Gift of Adoption

Here are a few lives that Gift of Adoption has truly made a difference in the past year. These are awesome stories and hopefully you will be inspired to give to this charity that truly helps to change lives. I should know, they've made a HUGE difference in ours! We are truly blessed!

Dark Girls

I have a lot to learn.  I came across this AMAZING documentary that is being created right now.  Being the mother of two brown babies after growing up in a white privileged world makes me really really really naive about racial issues.  I want to believe that the world is changing for the better....I hope to be a part of that change.  Here is a link to a preview of the Dark Girls documentary.  They are in need of funding to continue filming.  If you feel compelled to donate--you can click the link on the right hand side of my blog.


Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.

You can also help create awareness too!  Head on over to DARK GIRLS on facebook and give them a little love!  

And if you are curious where I got my fabulous connection....head on over to MY BROWN BABY!  You will not be disappointed!!  Thanks Denene for all your time and kind hearted support answering all those questions that every white momma is afraid to ask!  You are very much appreciated! 

Little things.....more precious than life!

Sometimes the littlest things are so big in your life!  Jenay took her first baby steps today.  I was able to catch some on video.  The sweetest thing EVER!  I'm not sure if I would have ever appreciated something as small as this if I wasn't given all the complicated circumstances in my life.  All I know is I'm thankful that I was here to witness what I believe is truly a miracle! YAY JENAY!!  And just a note:  we are dog sitting for the dog...we are not crazy enough to add a dog to our lives right now, especially when Jakob is not a big fan of dogs anyway.  AND, there is something to be said about a poop free yard with three kids 5 and under!  Sorry about the turned video....I'm unable to rotate it on this computer.  It's not very long anyway.....

Party train!

I guess you have to get creative when you have an odd number of kids.  Thanks to my dad (whom can build anything), I can now get out with all three and enjoy the summer weather.  We got a lot of double takes tonight, but I figured it was because of my orange socks.....right?  I'm used to my family drawing a lot of attention anyway--so it's really no big deal.  I suppose there is room for one more since both trailers seat two...  I suppose technically, Craig could hook another double trailer to his bike and we would have room for even more!  I suppose I would have to okay that with him first! haha!  So far, we are having a pretty great summer! :0)

Birthmother's Day!

I know there is a lot of controversy about Birthmother's Day.  We celebrate it in our family.  All three of our children's birthmothers  celebrate with us.  We want them to feel honored, loved, and respected.  We want them to know that we feel so blessed that they have chosen us to be their children's parents.  We want them to know that we are forever grateful that they chose life for their babies despite their circumstances.  We want them to know they are part of our family.  We want them to know that we will make it through life's challenges--good and bad--together.  We want them to know that we understand that it will never be easy and that we will all ebb and flow throughout our lives.  Most days we will fit together easy as pie and as with any other family member, there will be challenging days too.  I hope they know that they pretty much made all my dreams come true when ALL THREE of them were able to come over to our home on Birthmother's Day.  There is no possible way that I could put into words what I was feeling on that very special day.  I hope we can manage to do that again in the future.  I have the BEST photo ever of all three together with their babies.  I will cherish it until no end!  I can't post my favorite for privacy reasons...but here's a couple more of my favorites!

Tanisha and Jenay

Jenay was so happy to be around Tanisha!  She was chirping and talking up a storm the ENTIRE time!  We are so very blessed that she was able to make it!

Kaiti reading to Jada and Jakob.  I'm surprised they are not both on top of her!

Kaiti and Jakob--they have the same smile!

I love this one!  Proof that Jada's beautiful birthmother was here....but yet, maintaining her privacy. 

I certainly would not have been a mother without these three extraordinary women.  I certainly would not have been the same kind of mother I am now without open adoption--without having the privilege of knowing these women (Jada's birthmother started out wanting a closed adoption).  It is truly a miracle that we were all together for a day and I will cherish that in my heart FOREVER!  I feel every ounce of heart ache and pain that comes parallel with the joy and celebration of our children.  That is why I believe that these mothers deserve recognition on their own day.  And we celebrate with their blessings. 

Open Adoption Roundtable #25

Production, Not Reproduction has a new Open Adoption Roundtable prompt.  I have never participated in these prompts before.  I've always wanted too.....but I guess my free time was lacking in focus (it still is) and my lack of effort to write about open adoption was maybe my way of taking time away from it.  If you know me, open adoption is pretty much the focus of my life in some way or another.  We speak on panels for training, we've mentored hopeful adoptive parents one on one, we recently spoke at RESOLVE about why we chose domestic open adoption, we've even tried to help educate expecting parents on ALL their options when thinking about choosing adoption.  But mostly, my time with open adoption is doing my best to maintain relationships with those involved with our three adopted children.  Getting to this point was a process of ebbs and flows--it still is--which is why I was drawn to this prompt:

"Has open adoption ever felt like too much? Have you ever wanted to walk away?"

There was a time when I wondered if I was cut out for all this open adoption stuff.  Maintaining relationships is difficult enough as it is.  Then add the complexities of a highly emotional and traumatic experience of adoption (I believe the act of adoption is a form of trauma for all those involved), a first baby for both us and a young birthmom and out to sea we all went in uncharted waters.  We were definitely not equipped to deal with all the difficult emotions that came along with the rolling sea.  Partly because our agency didn't equip us with the resources (the first agency we used was not the same one that we used for the adoption of our two girls), partly because they weren't helpful when we asked for help (we actually asked them for help!), partly because the outside professional help wasn't equipped with the knowledge to help us and partly because EVERYONE we went to for help was telling us to WALK AWAY--close her up!  Licensed professionals.  We were confused, hurt, grieving, traumatized, and our hearts were still crying for our son's birthmom.  If we felt this way--WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS HAPPENING TO HER?

Obviously we both (birthmom and us) had the guts to keep going.  To eat our shame, forgive each other's mistakes and keep on sailing.  I look at her like she is my first born.  (Well, she is my first born's birthmom! haha).  She has paved the way for our second and third children.  What trauma....I look at her now and see how she has grown but I still see her pain.  I see it because I choose to see it and she chooses to show it to me.  That's a true relationship, real love.  I think we still do the boundary dance--still sailing in uncharted waters.  Still unsure, and yes, it sometimes feels like too much--but we have no choice but to face it and move forward. 

When we got the call for Jada, we were given every opportunity to walk away from an open adoption as her birthmom wanted it to be closed.  I cried.  We kept trying, got her email, started emailing and now have what I think is a pretty amazing relationship.  I think about what we would have missed out on had we never pursued contact.  I think of what she would have missed out on.  I think of what Jada may have missed out on.  I am thankful she is in our life......her mother has started to see us too.  A blessing since the pregnancy was a secret and still is to most of those who know her.  That's a terrible weight to carry.   

Sadly, we've been struggling with communication with Jenay's birthmom.  We are not sure why.  Another great excuse for a family to "walk away."  I assure you we are doing anything but....I feel lost, sad, worried.  I don't want her to slip through the cracks.  I don't want  to lose her.   I don't understand, but yet, I do.  It's so complex.  It's exhausting.  It's devastating.  It breaks my heart.  I can only imagine what she is going through. 

So, everyday, there is something more that I take on that I never thought I would have had to deal with.  I am not good at setting boundaries and I hate confrontation and I hate feeling like I'm hurting someone and my own life isn't perfect either and sometimes I have to take care of me and my family before I can take care of the relationships that have come from our open adoptions but I have NEVER EVER EVER wanted to walk away.  I never will--no matter how difficult and complex and complicated things may get.  I will figure out a way.   Sometimes it does seem like too much.  I'm not going to lie about that.  It is an ongoing balancing act that my husband and I are continuously working at.  AND getting better at.  Maybe it's the simple fact that we are starting to get more sleep.  Sleep deprivation is, well, deadly, on so many levels.  We know that we will be facing challenges forever, and that we will probably have to set and reset boundaries many times--on a continuous basis--with differences between all three adoptions at any given time.  I know that I will probably muck things up at some point too.  I'm good at that.  But I never want to let go of these angels that have made me the person that I am today.  So, too much and all, they are stuck with me.  I just hope I'm not too much for them! :0) 

Paperwork paperwork paperwork

What to post. . . I'm so far behind in EVERYTHING!  And, I'm okay with that.  I've been up to my ears with paperwork.  You would think that we were trying to adopt again with all of this paperwork! :0)  Jakob is getting some assessments done at school to see if he needs some extra help in school--so with that comes a TON of paperwork.  Jenay was assessed by a public health nurse as she is a bit behind in her motor skills which equals more paperwork.  She will also be seeing a neurologist in May for some shakiness--guess what, more paperwork.  She also was having some physical therapy for her neck and there were some insurance issues with the prior authorization lapsing--so even more paperwork for the appeal.  I really despise all the new automated phone systems that businesses have now. It took me about two hours after getting transferred, cut off, and dropped and having to go through all the prompts again before I was able to reach the right people to talk too.  A person really has the time to be on the phone with three children under the age of 5 that need STRICT supervision!  HA!   I finally completed the taxes too--oh yeah, more paperwork with a very large return coming our way.  We still had carryover from Jakob's adoption in 2006, all of Jada's carryover, and we finalized Jenay's adoption on December 30th, 2010.  I know it will be awhile before we actually see the ENTIRE return. . . but we have big plans of paying our house off.  Don't bother giving me the "you need the interest to write off on your taxes" speech.  We take the standard deduction.  It is ridiculous to pay $250 a month in interest.  Financial freedom baby!  :0)

Jenay turned one this month!  Woot woot!  I still can't believe she is one already.  It has most definitely been an emotional year!  I was over joyed when Jenay's birthmom and her sister called us on her birthday!  FINALLY!  We have not heard from her since August.  We have made efforts with no success.  They did call me on my cell phone (Yes, we finally paid off the minivan so we were able to budget a cell phone for me) so I know that she is receiving our letters and updates.  I gave her my cell number as another option to reach us.  I write our numbers in every letter I send.  We made tentative plans to have her and her sister and her sister's baby come over to our house this weekend to visit with us and we never heard back from them.  There are some complicated issues. . . but we called their residence and left messages on the home phone and a cell phone number.  No call backs.  I'm not convinced that it is because she is not ready for another visit yet. . . and I'm kind of at a loss if there is anything I can do.  I am going to keep sending letters and updates with encouragement to contact us--any way that that is comfortable and available to them.  I may even send her a book of stamps.  Would that be weird?  I seriously wish they could just come live with us.  I am so sad inside about this that I can't even write about it.  I am not giving up, though, ever.    I was really pumped because I thought it might actually happen. . . and that there might be a serious possibility that all three of my angels would be able to be here at my house for Birth Mother's Day.  I'm already so excited that two will be here. . . and they haven't met in person yet.   I will do my very best to make it work.  These women are such an important piece of my life that I don't know if I could live without any one of them. 

I will try to get some photos up soon.