I have been neglecting my blog in a horrible way!  It has not been my priority.  I've been focusing on my Pilates school (which is awesome, by the way.)  It has been a very long two months.  We've had sickness, urgent care and ER visits, adenoid surgery, potty training, therapies, extra holiday cleaning jobs, traveling, birthday celebrations and birth family visits on top of our already hectic lives.  I am elated to announce that Jada's birth grandpa came over to meet Jada for the first time.  I am so excited as I know this was a very big step and I hope our relationship continues to grow with her birth family.  I hope her birthmother comes home to visit soon as I miss her dearly.  So does Jada.  We have been able to have Jenay's birthmother, her sister and sister's baby over and FINALLY, Kaiti was here too!  YAY!  Jakob's birth grand parents are coming this weekend.  I think seeing all these visits is sometimes difficult for Jada, wondering when her momma is coming again.  It is difficult to have someone live far away.  I am reminded, though, that she first thought she wanted a closed adoption so I am so very thankful that we have such a beautiful open relationship with her.

Anyway, back to all these visits...um, no, it is not easy to get our house cleaned, and it really isn't convenient to go out somewhere especially in the winter time.

Jakob turned 6!  I simply cannot believe it.  I will post some photos soon.  I just have to get them uploaded to my computer.  I'm even behind on doing that.  As always, I have a million more things I really want to say.  Deep and complex and unfortunately, a little bit too private.  :0)  I have to keep you coming back some way.  The one blog post every two months isn't going to be enough.

I have not been very good about posting lately--using the excuse that we are so very busy.  We are so very busy, so it works, but if I'm going to be honest, our 'open' relationships in our 'open' adoptions were not being so 'open' and I had no idea what to think of it.  I was distraught and couldn't really post about something that really isn't my story to tell.  I want open.  And from what other people say, we are pretty darn open in our adoptions.  And then all of a sudden....it stopped.  No calls, no visits, no emails, no responses--from any of our birthmothers.  I was crushed.  I know they all have their own unique reasons and our ebbs and flows are not always ebbing and flowing in sync with each other.  We chose to set some boundaries that caused one ebb to crash--and crash hard.  Out of respect, I will keep the specifics private but the result of no contact was not the outcome we were intending to happen.  I will never give up when things don't go as planned, but I will not push something that somebody does not want.  I'm sure there was a lot of anger that needed work.  The reason the new boundary was set is not something my husband and I are going to change our minds on and I'm sure it is not easy to take.  It does not change my love for her and my desire to have a close relationship and I hope we can work through that.

Another relationship is just plain hampered by circumstance.  Lack of internet.  Lack of phone.  Living a little bit too far to be more help.  Every time we had something set up to get together, it seemed to fall through.  That intense feeling of being crushed over and over and over again....and quite honestly, I am on the easier end of it.  I see my babies everyday.  I can only imagine the intense emotions that our children's birthmothers experience on a day to day basis.  

Then, out of the blue...I got an email from one birthmother and on the same day, a phone call from another one.  The good Lord knew that I needed to hear from them.  We were able to sneak in a visit in our crazy schedule with one and we are still working on the other one.  It seems everyone has a bit much going on lately.  I do not take my time with any of my babies' first mommas for granted.  Not one bit.  Reality warns me that it could be the last time--or a long time before we see them or hear from them again.  I hope they all know that I am here for them.  I do have their back.  I will support them as best I can.  I will stand up for them.  I will figure out how to help them make their dreams come true.  I will have rules...just like any other person that truly loves them.  Oh how I love them.  I hope they always know that.  Even when it may seem like I don't.  Here are some photos of our last visit.  Enjoy!   

Cousins 

Sleepy time on the couch! :0)

Lovin' up our kiddos! 

One of my favorites!  Momma and daughter.

Jenay and her birthmother!  Don't they look EXACTLY alike?

OPEN ADOPTION BLOGGERS INTERVIEW PROJECT 2011

I know my blogging has been even more slim than the usual as of late.  I feel like this whole kindergarten thing is A LOT OF WORK!  I have no idea how I am going to handle first grade!  SO thankful that I am able to be at home allowing me a little leeway with procrastination if needed!  I am also currently in PILATES school to be certified to teach.  I am about 30 hours in to my 450 hours needed to sit for the PMA (Pilates Method Alliance) exam.  It seemed so appropriate that I was randomly matched with MAMA2ROO over at Letters to a Birthmother.  She too has been experiencing 'life' and has had to prioritize other things and push blogging WAY DOWN on the list!  I think we are both okay with that-- for now anyway--but didn't want to miss out on the OPEN ADOPTION BLOGGERS INTERVIEW PROJECT.  She is an adoptive mother and has a six year old son.  We have both experienced the ebbs and flows of relationships with our children's birth families and have come terms that what is going on now is not what it will always be.  I encourage you to visit her blog to find out more about her story.  You can find my interview answers over at Letters to a Birthmother. (If it's not up yet, please try back as I am posting this early....and well, we both have been crazy busy.)   AND please link to Production Not Reproduction to find the complete list of all participants in this projects!  Happy reading and I all hope we learn a little something that we didn't think we already knew! :0)

Here are Mama2Roo's answers to my questions!

So, briefly, what has been happening in your life since your last blog post in June?  I didn't look at the dates at first thinking that you just posted that! haha!  I am guessing that you are now living in your new house.....If you are too busy to blog, there's got to be something exciting going on! :0)

My first thought when you asked this was "OMG, I haven't posted since JUNE??"  My second thought is "I have no idea."  Time just gets away somehow.  Everything and nothing has happened since June.  I am constantly surprised by how little time and energy is left at the end of each day.  I work full time, then by the time we cook, eat, play, homework, bathe, and put to bed, I AM DRAGGING and often asleep before 10.  We've been in the new house since mid-June, but with it being a new home, there's plenty to do with the yard, decorating, organizing, etc, and we still have the old house that is on the market.  That means we have TWO houses to maintain on some level.  Additionally, this has been the year of family illness.  My grandmothers have been playing musical hospital beds/rehab units for the past several months and I lost one grandma just a few weeks ago, so that's been time comsuming as well.  Other than that, we've been enjoying our new neighborhood/neighbors and the beautiful weather we've had (after the spring monsoons were over).  You might notice that I didn't mention anything in there about adoption, and that's mostly because not much has happened adoption-wise in our family.  There haven't been any visits in a VERY LONG TIME, which saddens me and frustrates me, though its partially our fault.  We (us and Woob's mom) just haven't been able to pull it together so that it works on both sides lately.

You have been blogging for a really long time.  It appears to have started out as letters to your son's birthmother and has slowly evolved.  Your posts have become less frequent this past year too (like mine).  Why do you think that has happened?  Have the reasons that you started to blog changed and what are your hopes for blogging in the future?  What were your first visions of open adoption?  Do you think you have grown away from your first visions of open adoption?

When I started blogging, it was basically me just sending my feelings out there.  We didn't know Woob's mom, N.,  aside from the time we'd spent together in the hospital over two days, and didn't know if we'd ever have a relationship with her.  She didn't really know how to wrap her mind around openness and I believe she was influenced by her mom and agency on keeping the adoption closed.  That was a hard time.  I found as I started to write that there were other people out there with some common experiences and they were finding me and joining with me and entering into the conversation.  Slowly, the conversation on the blog was less towards N., but with my new friends in adoption who "got it" unlike many in my real life who didn't.  And I was reading their blogs and learning so  much from those that came before me.  And feeling less alone.   It became a conversation with adult adoptees, first mothers and other mothers through adoption.  A few months later, we actually did begin a relationship with Woob's mom, so there was lots to be said about that, lots of feelings, and for some readers, it was a look into what open adoption could be, or they could commiserate or offer support or whatever.  Since I was able to have "real" conversations with N., I had less need to write the "letters."  Also, when adoption was so new, all these things I was feeling were so intense.  Now that Woob is going on six, I've chilled a little.  I see more ebb and flow, and have learned just because we might be a little out of sync now, that doesn't mean that is how things will be forever.  Many of my bloggy friends have gone on to either abandon their blogs, or we keep our connections more on facebook, so I'm not physically "there" on wordpress like before.  Our families have changed to "families," not just "adoptive families".  The blog is not something I really attend to the way I'd like, but I'm hesitant to get rid of it, because it has been such an important thing in my life.

My first visions of open adoption I think were pretty realistic (in my mind).  I don't remember having the common huge fears of "what if Woobs family is a bunch of ax murdering drug addicts". My biggest fears were, "what if they don't like us" and "what if Woob NEVER knows his family??".  Thankfully, I don't believe any of those fears have panned out.  I do worry now mostly that our relationship might fade, and he won't have the relationship with his sisters and mom if we don't keep at it over time.

I have read a few posts about the ebbs and flows of relationship contact with your son's birthmother and his sisters.  What part of the ebb and flow do you see your relationship being right at this moment?  How often do you have contact with her?  How far apart do you live from one another?  How is Woob in the processing part of what open adoption is?  Do you have contact with any other birth family members? 

Unfortunately, we're in a bit of an ebb.  We "see" each other through facebook (best invention ever!!), and she can keep an eye on our happenings and photos even when she's not able to initiate anything else.  We share occasional phone calls, but its been about a month since we spoke.  We are about 2 hours away, which seems not far, but sometimes it might as well be a million.  If their cars on on the fritz, they just can't get here.  We've got family illness, and they have some serious family illness things going on as well.  We offer to go there, but I think there are reasons on their end they'd rather come here now and then.  Since Woob was one, we've seen each other about twice a year.  Which is WAAY less than I'd like, but it is what it is.

I think Woob is really aware as much as he can be...he knows his birth story and who is who on mom's side.  He absolutely glows around his first family and enjoys time spent with them--always has.  We know N.'s husband and parents as well, though have had much more contact with her dad.  Woob misses them and talks about them, and still has the childhood happiness that surrounds his story, yet he at times voices sadness that we're not all together.

Twin Syndrome

Even though my kiddos all come from completely different gene pools, they have an incredible bond.  So incredible that I often say that Jakob and Jada have 'twin syndrome'.   Genetics is amazing to me.  I believe that my kids will be a lot like their birth parents.  Knowing all of their first mothers already proves this to be a fact (in my opinion).  I seriously think they have their momma's personalities.  They also all look like them too!  I often notice how much children look like their mothers and their fathers when we are out and about.  Maybe it's because my kids don't look anything like me.  :0)  Maybe it's just because I find genetics to be simply amazing.  I wonder if there have ever been any studies on 'twin syndrome' with adopted siblings.  I think it would be fascinating.  I know they have studies on artificial twining...but Jakob and Jada are 2 1/2 years apart.  I am still in awe when I see my kids together....

And here is my third beauty.  She fits right in.  Jakob and Jada both adore her to no end.  I could not be any more blessed to have children that love each other as much as they do.....and then the screaming will start! haha!  I hope they love each other this much forever.  I know I will.

World Vision

About a year ago, I was introduced to the book, The Hole In Our Gospel, by Richard Stearns, through a blog reading challenge.  I cannot tell you what blog it was from as I was linking around (probably when I should have been doing something more productive around the house).  I wish I could link you to the challenge....I was moved by the post.  I left a comment saying I would read it and see what happens.  I was intrigued after reading the premise of the book:  "This is a story of how a CEO faced his own struggle to obey God, whatever the cost, and his passionate call for Christians to change the world by actively living out their faith. Believing that the “good news” is more than a private transaction between God and us, Stearns challenges readers with this question: What does God expect of us? Two thousand years ago, twelve people changed the world. Stearns believes it can happen again."  I was told it would probably change my life.  I ordered it on ebay and started to read it as time allowed.  To be honest, I still haven't finished it...but it has truly impacted my life.  Wow, what an amazing book and even though I didn't finish it yet, there are a few things that I think of every time I see the book sitting by my bed.  I think of how our world looks at helping others defined by politics.  (I'm not willing to get into a political argument so I will just leave it at that.)  It is not about being a democrat or a republican.  It is about being a human--and for me a Christian--and how I believe we are responsible for helping other people.  I also believe how we choose to do that is by God's will and the talents He has given us.  Sometimes God seeks us out more than we are willing to admit.  I think Richard Stearns is a perfect example with his book A Hole In Our Gospel and God's calling of him to work at World Vision.  I thought that his journey was truly inspiring and moved to learn more about World Vision--and then my life kind of got in the way...you know, three kids aged 5 and under...financial responsibilities....laundry....diapers....work....bills....etc.  

Fast Forward:

This past Friday, we went to the Third Day concert!  We bought tickets way back in June when we were at the Joyful Noise Family Fest sponsored by KTIS.  We got tickets for that through Living Social and our family of 5 was able to go for just $37!  They were selling Third Day concert tickets there and my husband splurged since the concert was on my birthday.  When we walked in the church that was hosting the concert, the first thing I saw was a huge World Vision banner and I kind of started to hyperventilate.  I don't know why.  We went right to the table.  I thought, you are kidding me, I've been wanting to know more about World Vision and had kind of forgotten about my quest, you know, with life, and here we were and there they were.  I should have finished reading my book! :0)  

They started talking to us about their program.  I was already feeling overwhelmed as we have been trying to clear out stuff and clutter from our house.  Dressers full of clothes, toys, stuff, stuff and more stuff.  We have so much stuff!  I have already donated so much stuff to fundraiser garage sales, charities, and friends, and we still have so much stuff.  My mother and I had been sorting all day in between 'life' and I was still feeling like we hadn't made much progress--and still thinking about it on the way to the concert--so much stuff.  And then I look at this table full of children's photos--knowing that they pretty much don't have anything.  And not only do they have hardly anything, they probably don't even have clean healthy water to drink or food to eat on a regular basis or medical care or access to medicines they need or school or supplies for school.  I was so overwhelmed that I started to cry.  How is it that I can have so much stuff and they have nothing?  And probably not a whole lot of opportunity to change that.  I don't think everyone in our country completely understands what it means to not have opportunity.  There are plenty of people willing to do what it takes to 'make it'.  Sometimes they just need a little help to get to the starting gate.  (And maybe sometimes a little help to the finish line too!)   It was as if God had led me to World Vision at the moment I needed to be there.  I am humble and I know that I cannot change the world....but thanks to World Vision, I believe I can change one person's world.  My husband let me pick out the child that our family will be sponsoring and I am excited to be on this new journey.  We are just an ordinary family with an ordinary income and I will gladly pass on some of the things our culture has deemed as ordinary so that one child or family can have something we take for granted.  I challenge you too...

Just check out the book....The Hole In Our Gospel, by Richard Stearns.  It may change your life too.  Just look what it has done for me, and I haven't even finished reading it yet! :0)  

Open Adoption Round Table #29

"The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them."

I don't write with the prompts very often...I am not a gifted writer, per say, and always feel like I can't get my feelings accurately portrayed with my writing--well that and the simple fact that blogging is not my first priority even though I wish I had more time to do it.

Here's the Open Adoption Round Table #29

"I thought it could be fun to do an open mic style roundtable. Our group is growing and a lot of us haven't "met" each other yet.  So point us to a favorite post on your blog. It doesn't even need to be about adoption. And tell us a little bit about why you picked the one you did."

This should have been an easy one...just go through and find my favorite post. Whoa, time, life, and all of that kind of got in the way.  As I started to aimlessly look through my past posts, I stumbled upon this post written while we were in the process of waiting to be chosen to adopt our second child. It reminded me so much of where we were, how far we have come, and how much further we have to go. Open adoption is an ever evolving process and I hope anyone involved in any situation continues to have hope and never gives up when things are not going as they thought they should be. This post made me cry--even 3 years after the fact.  I'm sure there's another one I might love more, but this was the start of my foundation.  My reminder of my life with three adopted children--all open adoptions--all completely different--all in my heart each and every single day, every minute, every hour.  Wishing that things didn't always need to be so complicated, so confusing, and so far from simple--and perfect. 

My Wish For You

Don't forget to click the  OPEN ADOPTION ROUNDTABLE #29 link to read more of everyone's favorite and heart moving posts!

Kindergarten!

Today was my son's first official day of kindergarten.  He has been quite intrigued with school and riding the bus to get to school, although last week he did mention that he was a little bit scared to ride the bus by himself.  He is my first of three children going off to kindergarten--so it has been equally emotionally interesting for me too.   It has been a long year of great accomplishments for him.  (He jumps into a pool now after being terrified of the water.  He has been in gymnastics and has advanced to the next group,  I am really behind on posts....) Did I mention that this was the first time he went somewhere on a bus without either Craig or me being with him?  He was tested last year (and the year before and the year before that with emerging scores putting him on the border for qualifying for help) for a multitude of delays.  Jakob is developmentally delayed in his motor skills, receptive language, expressive language, and has sensory sensitivities--so it didn't surprise me when one of the first things he told me about school was that the bell was very loud, and that he heard the storm whistles blowing, and that there was a boy who was taller than "Nate", a very tall friend of his from preschool last year--I was amazed he remembered Nate's name since they have moved and we haven't seen them since school let out last year.  I was happy he didn't bite anyone at school--since he bit his sister twice before going (probably anxious) and even happier that the teacher remembered to just tell him to go to the bathroom rather than wait for him to ask.  (He wet his pants the first three classes of preschool last year because he was afraid to go.  He still tells us he is going to go while at home!)  I was amazed that he remembered his room number and his teacher's name!  He also said there were no other kids named Jakob in his class, but that there was a Jada!  I think the girl's name is actually Jade, but he remembered a name!   We got a new pair of shoes for him yesterday that light up and I think that helped him make it through day.  All these little things that I would have taken for granted.   I decided to take some photos before lunch since I didn't want anything to feel rushed and I'm so happy I did.  Before we went outside to wait for the bus I just rocked him one more time--and maybe cried a little--okay, maybe a lot--and he just smiled at me.  And Jada said it would be okay.  The kids ran around outside and then the bus came, I gave him a hug and a kiss, we crossed the street, I took a couple of photos, he got on the bus and sat down, and just like that, he was off to school.  And then, Jada freaked out.  She started wailing, "He's gone, he's gone, he's gone."  Crying and screaming and wanting to tell him something.  My poor poor Jada. I kept telling her that he was coming back after school was over.  I think she may have thought that he was gone forever.   Both girls were able to actually fall asleep and take a little nap.  Good for all of our souls after an emotionally rough morning.  We all walked to pick up Jakob at the bus stop.  The driver almost left without letting the kinder kids off the bus!  I said give me a thumbs up if you liked it--no thumbs up.  haha!  He said he had fun playing with the kids.   When we got back to the house, he went straight for his NUNU and the thumb went in the mouth.  We were going to go out to dinner to celebrate and he asked if dad could just go pick up food and eat at home.  Lots of decompression needed.  We got outside for a little while but spent most the night vegging out to a movie.  I peeked in on him in bed and he looked like he was going to cry.  I asked him what was wrong and he said he loved me.  He said he liked being with me.  And then asked if he had to go back to school tomorrow.  I said, "yes, but it's just for part of the day."  He said, "It was a very long time today."  I am so happy that he is expressing his feelings more--verbally.  I am so happy we are only 1/2 day kindergarten in the afternoon so we don't have to stress and rush around in the morning.  We'll see how tomorrow goes....I'm happy it's a short school week!  I am so proud of his accomplishments.  He is small, he is quiet (at least when he is not at home), he is a kid who tries as hard as he can, he is smart.  He may not be able to express himself like other kids his age, but I feel like I know just what he needs and when he needs it.  I will continue to encourage him with all of his new adventures and try to challenge him without pushing him too far too quickly.  And let him be Jakob.  And let him suck his thumb at home.  And let him wear his light up shoes all night, on the couch.  Did I forget to mention that his choice of take out food was McDonald's?  The kid ate a cheeseburger and three chicken nuggets for dinner.  If you knew Jakob, you would know he must have been hungry!  That's like a whole day's intake for him--and he usually doesn't eat meat!  He will probably be sick tomorrow!

 :0)  Maybe I will have more time to blog if the girls nap while Jakob is in school.  You know, cause getting the house clean and organized seems kind of daunting........

 Capturing all their personalities. 

 One of my favorites!  Little Jenay is not so little anymore!

 Jada could not stand still for even one second.  I think her anxiety for Jakob leaving was at an all time high!

 Waiting for the bus!

 And just like that, he was off to school!