I like to think that I know my kids well.  I'm the kind of mom who WANTS to know everything.  It is my dream for my kids to always feel comfortable enough to tell me anything--and if they can't tell me something, for whatever reason, I want to know them well enough to know when they are hiding something from me! :)  I'm the kind of mom who wishes we could just move to a remote area, like say Alaska, and sustain our own lives and not have to deal with all the crazy things that today's society is so involved with.  Society can just be brutal and I'm not ready to unleash all the evils of the world upon my innocent and vulnerable children.  

I used to think that adoption was complicated.  All the emotions involved and the energies it takes to make a relationship, keep a relationship and fix mistakes made in a relationship and to sustain a forever healthy relationship for the better purpose of our children (however, I personally feel that in MY life situation these relationships also greatly benefit me--I NEED these relationships--I LOVE these relationships.)  These relationships help me know my children better.  They help me know my children in the way that I want.  I don't quite understand it myself...but I just feel like having a close relationship with my kids' birth mothers has helped me to know my children in a way that wouldn't be possible if I didn't know their birth mothers at all.  

Today I was completely humbled and mortified watching my son watch his father drive away after dropping him off at home.  I have no idea what he was thinking and I didn't ask.  He generally can't put complex feelings into words, but I will never forget that face.  I was humbled because all of those complex human emotions that he is not capable of verbalizing just poured out of his eyes, his face and his body language.  I was mortified because my little vulnerable boy should not have been experiencing that moment.  My heart breaks that his daddy and I got a divorce.   I shouldn't have to be wondering what he is thinking about as his father drives away.  I hate thinking about crushing the dreams that each of my children's birth mothers had for their children--to grow up in a two parent home.  ugh.  Divorce is WAY more complicated for me than open adoption.  I know how hard it is for my kids to say goodbye to their birthmothers when they come to visit and now they have to do the same thing with their father.  It just sucks.  

I am going to make it clear though, that my divorce is final and I want it that way.  I never had intentions of being a divorced single mother, but my son's first mother summed it up perfectly...she told me she knew all too well that life can throw a few curve balls.  I guess I just didn't want the strike out to happen to me.  My kids are doing 1000 times better than they would be if me and their dad were still together.  I'm still doing the divorce dance...like do I call him my ex (I hate that) or the kid's dad or other inappropriate names (haha).  I'm trying to speak from only my perspective of the experience because that is really the only thing I know.  I just hope my kids always know how much they mean to me, how blessed I feel to be their mom, and how honored I am to be there for them in this imperfect life we are living.  They will always be my priority--along with God--and I'm looking forward to following the path that has been given to us with a strong heart and steadfast faith.  

I guess I have a lot to catch up on.  This past year has been something else.  It is amazing how life evolves...how people can change more than you could ever imagine...some good, some bad, some just down right ugly...some beyond believably extraordinary.  This past year has been challenging...exhausting...wonderfully unpredictable...enlightening..uplifting.  I am still going strong, just doing it on my own--well, not really completely on my own--there is always God, and family, and friends, and support groups and anonymous people and the internet--and child support--but I am always the one putting my babies to bed at night...tucking them in once, then twice and sometimes for another hour or two.  I am thankful for all of those nights...even when I'm so exhausted that I don't think I can take one.more.step.  And then someone comes out to me and crawls on the couch to snuggle up close--and I am so thankful I'm there.  Every.Single.Time they get up.  I became an official statistic in January when my divorce was finalized.  

So, now I am creating my new life with my kids and with their birth families and with my family and my friends--and my new friends--and support groups and anonymous people--and God.  So far, it is going much better than I ever could have expected it too.  Nothing is easy--that's for sure--but I'm willing to give it every single ounce of life that I have-- to give my kids the life they truly deserve.  Yep, in my opinion, that's what true love really is...and I truly love my kids...forever and always.

Super Undies!

We have a special house full of special kiddos.  We deal with our special issues in very special ways and I don't share with just anyone what those special issues are and how we deal with them.  We do have some potty issues over here.  So far, I'm doing okay....but my three kids (and occasionally my husband, haha) have some problems using the potty.  (Now that we have two very nice bathrooms, thanks to my mom and dad, I hope some of this transition will be easier--or at least easier when clean up is necessary.)  I seriously don't know if my kids are ever going to be able to use the toilet in the way they are supposed to.  I don't need any advice or tips on what to do.  It is just the way that they are.  As pretty much anyone would know, diapers and pull-ups are spendy.  We have used cloth for almost 4 years now.  I've seen some cloth potty training products out there, but after compiling a nice stash of cloth diapers for 3 kiddos, our budget is strapped!

I have been eyeing SUPER UNDIES for quite some time, but I guess I've been stalling, hoping my kiddos would miraculously not need diapers anymore...ha!  And, of course, budget plays a big role.  I don't really need to expand on that.  ANYWAY, I happened to be in the right place at the right time and saw a post on Super Undies' facebook page looking for testers and they felt we would be a great fit!  Woot woot!  We haven't received our product yet, but we get to try out the Nighttime Undies Potty Trainers for my son at night and the Pocket Potty Trainers for my daughter.  I hope these make those number 2 accidents much easier to clean up! Did I say I'm SUPER excited about this?  Can't wait to tell you how they work out!

Gift of Adoption domestic adoption grant launch video

There are so many things lately that I have chosen not to blog about for the privacy of our family.  I want to honor my children and sometimes have a difficult time figuring out what is okay to blog about and what is better left off line.  So as a result, my blog has been, well, greatly neglected for quite some time.  I blogged about Gift of Adoption way back in 2010--right here--when we received a grant to help complete Jenay's adoption.

I've had great dreams of giving back at some point what we were granted--even double or triple the amount--so that another family or two or three could be blessed in a time when all you have is the unknown.  So they could feel like what they are doing is truly meant to happen.  So another child or two or three can be united with a forever family.  Well, it has been two years and I still have been unable to fulfill that dream.  I still have great plans and it will happen when we can do it...I just wish we could do it NOW.  So, until then, we will have to help in ways that we are able to help.  When Gift of Adoption asked us to be a part of their Domestic Adoption Fund launch video it was a no brainer.  We hope that our story along with the other three families that were interviewed will help to move many hearts to want to give to Gift of Adoption.  We hope that it will help them understand that they can be a part of making miracles--forever families created through adoption.  We hope that it will inspire them to give...no matter how much or how little it may be.  We hope that they know that our family is REAL and Gift of Adoption helped us to complete our third adoption.  So what are you waiting for.....everyone needs someone to make them cupcakes when they have a bad day....

Um, yes, some long over due photos:

Jenay and her birthmother on Birthmother's Day!  

Jakob and his birthmother on Birthmother's day.

Jada's birthmother lives out of state and was unable to come this year.  We hope she is able to come visit us soon!  We miss her more than she could ever imagine!

Jada being silly!  

Jakob lost his first tooth!  That kind of deserves a post all of its own....He was so excited for the tooth fairy to come visit him and give him a prize.  BUT, he was even more excited for his birthmother Kaiti to see his tooth and was willing to wait for another night to put his tooth under his pillow so Kaiti could see it.  I think that is the most precious thing EVER!  I heard him talking to himself about how he wouldn't be getting a prize that night.  I told him that maybe the tooth fairy would do something out of the ordinary for him since he is such a special boy.  We wrote a note asking the tooth fairy if she could deliver his tooth that night to Kaiti and put it under her pillow for a surprise and then she could keep it forever--and then he could get his special prize for losing his first tooth.  She was very kind and generous and Kaiti was super excited too.  

Being an adoptive mother goes so far beyond what I envisioned motherhood to be.  I can't take the pain from loss that comes with adoption away.  I can't make it less.  I can't even pretend that it doesn't exist.  BUT, I can share in the joys of parenthood.  I can share some of those experiences that we all dreamed for our children--and ourselves--and make it a reality beyond a photo or a letter.  I want it to be real.  I want it to bring a smile to her face.   I want to remind her again and again that we love her.  

My innocent Jenay....so precious!  (and I say innocent with a tad of sarcasm!) haha!

Learning to skate!

Getting a kiss from Molly--grandpa and grandma's dog

Jenay with her aunt Jessica at Easter time.  When I first saw this photo, it made me stare at it for awhile.  How Jenay's reflection appears to be looking right back at her, but she doesn't appear to be looking at her reflection.  It made me think about how Jenay is probably a completely different person outside her body.  It's like her soul saying that our body is just temporary and someday she will be able to move how she wants to move and say what she wants to say without any physical restrictions.  She is a happy happy soul and I am so thankful for that! 

My free spirit.  

I often wonder why people blog.  Everyone has a different reason.  It could be just an easy way to share with friends and family who don't live very close to you.  It could be a way to educate others.  It could be a personal therapy, so to speak, a way to get all your emotions out and then, of course, that leads to being a part of a virtual support group when others who can relate to your life find you--or you find them.  I love to share, but I am not always so glamorous with my words.  There are moments I want to shout out to the world to make a point, to argue an opinion, to show people that what they think is impossible can happen, to say I know a lot more than you think, to say I know nothing and need more information, or help, or support.  There are moments I don't want to share at all.  Both good and bad.  Moments so amazing that I don't even think I could put into words exactly how I feel.  Moments so painful that I don't want to make anyone else feel bad or sad.  Moments so cherished that I just plain don't want to share.  But if I don't, how will anyone else know just how amazing life can be through the good and the bad.  I'm feeling super protective lately.  Protective of my family and not wanting to venture out into this cyber world with all the crazy things that can happen.  Heck, I don't even venture far from my own home on most days.  All I can say is God has led me to be exactly where I am supposed to be and it is truly amazing how He has brought all these people into my life to hold me up so I feel confident enough to navigate through this overgrown forest with lots of annoying bugs that keep biting me.  Despite my protectiveness...it might be time to start letting it all out....

Do I have any readers left?  I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't...I haven't posted for such a long time.  I assure you, we are still here, busier than I could have ever imagined.  Here are some things I've been thinking about...

• Celiac's Disease
• Gift of Adoption
• PACER
• NACAC
• MN Adopt Help
• Pilates school
• Special needs
• IEP's
• Bullying
• summer school
• Dealing with loss in open adoption
• Ann Fessler
• October baby
• Decluttering 
• Life....

And, that's just the tip of the iceberg....We've had two birthday's here since my last post and I'm long over due for some photos.  So, hopefully soon.  If there's any free time I can muster up...I hope to write something about what you want to know! :0)